Sunday, November 24, 2013
Day Twenty-Four
Have you ever felt trapped? I have. Trapped by financial circumstances, trapped by a job, trapped by family, relationships, expectations of who I was supposed to be – all sorts of things I felt I couldn’t control.
It’s a common feeling. But it’s a trick. It covers up a deeper truth – we are never trapped, but we may have to give something up to get off the broken road.
I’ve had lots of visions for how I thought my life would go. Many of them have not happened as planned. Some of them, I am now sure, will never happen. And yes, some of them were denied to me unfairly, in ways I did not have the power to control.
Along the way though, I’ve learned that those plans didn’t need to work out for me to be worthy, to be happy, or to be beloved. Every time I felt trapped with no way out, looking longingly at a path closed off to me completely, I was eventually able to let go (and those italics are deliberate). Eventually, I was able to turn around, away from the place I had my eye on. Once I did, lo and behold, there was a whole other world in front of me.
The chorus of this song contains some powerful gems – one of them is: “you don’t need to move, love has come to you.”
Just like yesterday’s post, today we are practicing gratitude as an act of resistance. When we’re grateful for the life we have, we claim it as our own. We can keep on working to make it better, yes – but we never need to assent to the idea that we are not worthy, or not beloved, just because our life doesn’t live up to an ideal vision.
Today, offer gratitude for your power to turn around. What might it be time for you to turn away from? How can you remember to practice gratitude in that act?
- Lee
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I think I lived a solid 14 years of my life in a state of feeling utterly trapped...primarily by my parents' expectations of me and my endless inability to meet them. It wasn't until I started working with "emotionally disturbed" children that I really got to witness what it looked like to just NOT live up... these kids, whether there were grand expectations or none at all, resisted EVERYTHING and everyone. They spit on teachers, cursed at their parents, basically told the world to fuck itself. I was in utter awe.
ReplyDeleteI remember the first time I attempted to "control" (with the use of physical restraint) a client in my care. Again, I was young and totally inexperienced, but what I remember most vividly is the raw, primal even, nature of the interaction. I remember thinking to myself that I would be SO embarassed if someone put their hands on me like this, if someone had to hold me down to help me gain control. And at the same time, I was envious of this child's persistence, opposition to being controlled, and willingness to release the emotion he was experiencing.
So much has changed for me since then ... but the reason this memory came up today is because that's the way I felt when I was trapped, like that kid I was holding, but I didn't have it in me to rage against it. I didn't know I could rage against it. I didn't know that I could turn away.
I have since found an outlet that does not involved cursing or spitting... I have turned away from being that little girl trapped by the expectations of others. I wish, wish, wish it had not take me 14 years to do it.... I wish I had know to rage against it earlier, but I am grateful that I learned at all... grateful everyday for knowing that I can be me... failures and all, and be loved.
People are often surprised when I tell them that I think being a lesbian has been such an important gift in my life. The coming out process was/is a constant affirmation of the value of my life, and I'm incredibly grateful for that. I know the pain and fear of having my life dismissed by others....of being hated, judged, excluded...and the list goes on. And I also know the warmth of compassion, of love, and of acceptance. I know the power of that choice that we all have. And I am grateful each and every day to choose love.
ReplyDeleteEvery one of my five children is trapped in penurious circumstances - some to the point of destitution. I feel helpless to untrap them. It's not about love. It's about money. I think today's words do not address the hopelessness of being able to provide for your family.
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